A SECOND LIFE club host is recovering after an exhausting four-hour shift involving saying hello to 37 people, pasting enormous ASCII pictures into local chat and reminding everyone that the DJ would like some money.
Virtual nightlife professional CandyMoonshine69 described the evening as “absolutely manic” after copying each new arrival’s name into one of six pre-prepared greetings without accidentally welcoming someone who left 25 minutes earlier.
“People think hosting is easy. You’ve got ‘WELCOME TO THE CLUB!!!’, ‘WOOOOOO!!!’, ‘GREAT TO SEE YOU!!!’ and, for people you recognise, ‘HEY BABE!!!’. That’s four completely different sentences. Sometimes I use all of them in the same hour.”
The role also requires advanced typography skills, transforming perfectly legible English into Unicode resembling an inscription on an ancient Sumerian burial tablet, leaving Dave wondering whether somebody welcomed him or his graphics card is failing.
Experienced hosts further enhance the atmosphere by filling chat with a 38-line ASCII teddy bear holding champagne glasses.
Club owner Blaze Nightfire said: “Without hosts there would just be 25 people dancing to music and talking to each other, which obviously would be dreadful.”
SECURITY PROFESSIONALS
Hosts also perform a vital security role, spotting troublemakers using sophisticated techniques such as noticing the enormous naked man on the DJ booth shouting “FUCK THIS CLUB” while rezzing particle-emitting penises.
“At that point I immediately alert management,” explained Candy. “I type ‘MANAGER????’ into staff chat. That’s the security side of the job.”
Hosts then wait for somebody with eject privileges while occasionally issuing the stern warning:
“PLZ BE RESPECTFUL EVERYONE”
Security experts believe this technique has prevented literally several incidents.
Hosts must also protect venues from avatars committing the serious offence of wearing something management dislikes, while ignoring two regulars having a screaming argument about mesh bodies beside the dancefloor.
FINANCIAL SERVICES
The principal function of a host remains reminding customers that both they and the DJ would like some fucking money.
Every seven minutes:
“DON’T FORGET TO SHOW YOUR AMAZING DJ AND HOST SOME LINDEN LOVE!!!!”
The DJ is meanwhile performing the considerably more demanding task of playing a playlist through a stream while typing “CHOOOOOOOOON!!!!”
The DJ insists this is an art form because they had to decide whether Take That should come before Alanis Morissette. At particularly sophisticated clubs, the DJ may actually move a crossfader.
Economists describe the business model as extraordinary.
Customers tip a DJ for playing music, then tip another person for telling them the DJ is playing it, while the venue itself sells absolutely nothing.
Everybody nevertheless considers the evening a commercial success.
HOSTING MASTERCLASS
“You have to read the room,” Candy explained. “If nobody has spoken for ten minutes, you need to know instinctively that it’s time to paste a gigantic ASCII palm tree into chat.”
Timing is critical. Too early and the palm tree interrupts a conversation. Too late and residents may briefly be able to see what somebody else has typed.
Hosts must maintain enthusiasm regardless of circumstances.
Three people present:
“THIS PLACE IS ROCKING!!!”
Forty people present:
“THIS PLACE IS ROCKING!!!”
DJ crashed, stream silent, owner offline and the only remaining avatar an AFK furry called Kevin:
“THIS PLACE IS ROCKING!!!”
Candy finished her gruelling shift at midnight after thanking everybody for “MAKING TONIGHT AMAZING”, despite spending most of it standing perfectly still while an animation moved her hips.
She earned L$1,143 in tips.
The DJ earned L$1,142.
Kevin woke up at 4am and had no idea where he was.